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In the Garden of Love, Romance, and Eroticism, SM can
be a powerful tool. SM play extends foreplay, builds
anticipation, and heightens sexual pleasure. To me,
and many others, SM means "Sex Magic," not
sadomasochistic sex because that label and stereotype
is often misunderstood. We are "Romantic Sadists and
Masochists," and "Sensual Dominants and Willing
Slaves;" the Ted Bundys of the world are as anathema to
us as they are to the vanilla world. What is the
difference between a (sexual) sadist and a dominant?
Between a (sexual) masochist and a submissive? A
sexual sadist, although she appears dominant because of
the pain she inflicts, may not be interested in other
aspects of D&S. She may not want or require any sort of
service like a pedicure or the handwash; her taste is
for giving pain to heighten sexual pleasure.
Alternatively, a dominant may embrace a much broader
spectrum of the D&S realm and engage in role-playing,
gender swapping, foot worship, or any other number of
pastimes as well as use pain as an instrument of
pleasure. A sexual masochist is the perfect partner
for the sadist uninterested in domination. The
masochist's source of pleasure lies in receiving pain
and often the masochist is uninterested in any form of
servitude or submission. The submissive, however,
relishes serving the mistress in any way she sees fit
and that includes the acceptance of pain, either as
discipline or for her pleasure. So, not all doms are
sadists, not all sadists are doms, not all subs are
pain sluts, and pain sluts needn't be submissives.
The romantic, consensual SM relationship is a complex
one. It is often a mirror image of the roles two
people play in real life: a power exchange. The
submissive gives their power to the dominant; the
dominant agrees to accept that power and wield it in
accordance with the submissive's desires and limits,
always pushing them, always testing them. This is a
give and take relationship, a two-way street where both
parties give and both parties take. One thing I
personally detest in a dominant is after finding out
that I like something, makes it their business to
ensure that that particular thing NEVER happens to me
again! Why on earth would I want to play with that
person again? It begs the age-old question: What's in
it for ME??? This kind of behavior is unbecoming to
the Sensual Dominant. If the submissive is not getting
what they want, why should they continue giving you
what you want?
You should know that D&S isn't about pain; it's about
Control and it's about Power. Who had it, who's given
it up, and who's got it now. SMers love the dynamics
of the power exchange. Power is an important part of
D&S play, and I don't mean just the power your partner
has given to you to dominate him. I think power in
itself is sexy. For the dominant, the illusion of
power is thrilling. For the submissive, the illusion
of powerlessness is undeniably sexy. Some men submit
willingly; others put up a bit of a fight. If he
fights it could be because he is unsure about
surrendering control or he enjoys provoking you so you
can punish him. The exchange of power for those
involved with casual SM is a game that is played for a
certain length of time. Although the experience is
real, the fact that the exchange is not real, or only
temporary, makes the game erotically stimulating.
The ideal femme fatale domina can control her slave
because she obviously is in control of herself. She
listens to her slave, is his mentor and guide and muse.
She understands the fear and eroticism the submissive
feels during play. The domina always knows fantasy
from reality and provides support for her slave. She
is enough of a sadist to inflict pain and loving enough
to use it only as an instrument to increase pleasure.
She is imaginative and creative, and cares for the
emotional and physical well-being of her slave. She
knows that his submission to her is a gift and that his
surrender is voluntary. She knows that she has only
the illusion of power and is in control with the
permission of the submissive. She knows that part of
being dominant means pleasing her submissive and in
that sense, she is submissive to the will of the other.
She respects his limits and appreciates the depth of
trust he has placed in her and knows that respecting
his limits is the basis for trust. She knows that D&S
is not to be done in anger but that it is a creative
transformation of everyday frustrations and anger into
erotic play or domination.
So, how does one accomplish this exchange of power and
of balance and bliss? By communication, of course!
Communication builds the submissive's trust in the
dominant and the dominant's acceptance of the sub's
secret desires frees the sub from guilt about their
alternative love-style fantasies and encourages further
exploration. The mutual delight in planning out an
evening of SM fantasy enactment should inspire a deeper
trust between you. These enhanced communication skills
not only reside in the fantasy world of SM but also
carry over into your every day life. If you can
confess your deepest, darkest sexual desires, you will
certainly be able to think of a way to ask him to
please put the toilet seat down so you will not get
wedged in when you plop yourself down on the bowl in
the middle of the night.
I can't tell you exactly what to say since I don't know
the person you will be talking to. But there are many
different approaches. How are you at telling stories?
One night, when your head is in the crook of his
shoulder and you are nesting before sleep, tell him a
fantasy a la Scheherazade. If you are the top, take
him captive. If he is the top, describe how you feel
about being his captive. Does he like to read? Leave
"The Art of Sensual Female Dominance" (if you want to
be on top), or "Erotic Surrender" (if you want to be on
the bottom) where he will be sure to see it. If you
see him glance at it, in interest or curiosity,
(without seeming too eager) mention how much fun some
of the ideas are or how funny some of the session
stories were, or how much you would like to experiment
with the ideas. Mark out a favorite passage or two and
offer to lend him the book. I wouldn't recommend this
tactic with something entitled "Crazed Whip Sluts from
Hell" since it might scare him off.
Or you can resort to the time-honored method of
introducing it to him gently by holding his hands over
his head during your regular love-making while you
direct the action from on top. If he moans and gets
mushy and cooperative, you might have a submissive
tiger by the tail. If he likes that, try tying your
scarf around his eyes and see what happens. (He surely
won't be able to! And watch what that does to the
tiger in his pants.) If he often plants a kiss or
nibbles on your toes as he gives you a foot massage,
suggest that he "suck it" in a soft, sexy tone of
voice. And if he does. . .you, my dear, may have a
submissive on your hands! The beauty of this method is
that you never have to mention the term "SM" If he
likes it as much as you do, you have not hung a label
on it that may turn him off.
When you have overcome the obstacle of communication
and are ready to start playing, you will need to have
some plans. The first plan is one you will devise
together: what your playtime will involve, how long it
will last (a good idea for beginners), and what the
safe word will be. The second plan will be up to the
dominant alone: setting up the play space, going on a
closet raid for appropriate wardrobe, making the play
space atmospheric, choosing a dominant name if you
like, and finding toys to play with that are already in
the home. More experienced players usually have toys
that have been purchased from a fetish shop or have
been custom made, and often these people play until
both are exhausted, only to sleep for a short time then
get up and start where they left off.
A quick play time check is a good idea:
1. Talk It Over (especially important for beginners)
2. Create an Atmosphere
3. Get Your Toys Ready
4. Ritually Step Into Role
5. Give Them Things To Do
6. Do Things To Them
7. Mete Out Punishment
8. Ritually End Play-time
9. Have a Good Cuddle,
Get Physically Close, or
Have Great Sex Afterwards
Positions, Please!
This is a fun and sexy way to begin his slave training,
and to establish your authority at the start of your
playtime.
Position One:
What you do: You may either sit or stand. If you are
seated, you can cross your legs or simply extend one
foot forward of the other; if you are standing, extend
one foot slightly forward of the other. Now, look
regal and deserving of the homage.
What he does: His eyes are downcast at all times. He
drops to his knees as gracefully as he can and sits
back on his heels momentarily. His butt should not
stick out when he does this - it should be more like
"sinking" down. (At this point, the tops of his feet
are flat on the floor.) Next, he leans forward, his
head and shoulders drop to the floor right in front of
your extended foot and his hands are placed one on
either side of the proffered foot. His feet and knees
should not move when he leans forward. When he drops
his head and shoulders to the floor, his hips should be
up and his back held in a smooth, pleasing line. The
fingers of his hands on either side of your foot should
be closed and his hands flat to the floor. His elbows
should be tucked in to his sides. Finally, he touches
his forehead to the toe of your foot and waits for your
signal.
As he performs each movement, watch his technique, or
style if you prefer, and correct him as needed. Did
his butt stick out on the initial prostration? Was his
back in a pleasing line? Fingers closed? How was his
attitude? Did he show the proper homage, the proper
respect? Did he wait patiently for the next signal?
Practice it with him until he performs it as smoothly
as a dancer (we hope), reward him (or not, your choice)
and teach him Position Two.
Position Two is the position for a "standing
inspection". And although it is an inspection
position, there is no humiliation associated with it.
It is the position for a slave who takes pride in his
servitude and knows he is presenting his best self to
the mistress for her inspection. His head is up; his
eyes are straight ahead. The humiliation comes in with
the variation, or sub-position.
What you do, part one: He has just executed Position
One and his head is on your foot, waiting for your
signal. You can signal him by curling your toes inside
your shoe or verbalize your acceptance by commanding
to him assume another position. Then move on to the
next phase.
What he does: He rises, again as gracefully as he can.
The rise should be the exact opposite motion of the
movement he performed to get down. It all in the toes
- ask any geisha girl! He steps back from you and
spreads his feet about eighteen inches apart. Then:
head up, eyes front, shoulders back, tummy tucked,
hands clasped behind the neck, elbows out, arms
parallel to the floor. And he awaits your pleasure.
What you do, part two: Walk around him, look him
up, look him down. Make him feel your eyes on him
as you inspect your property. Correct his stance, kick
his feet apart, flatten his elbows, lift his chin.
Satisfied? Now for the "variation".
Call out "hup" or whatever you have agreed upon to
denote the variation or just say "bend" or "over"
or "bend over", which is exactly what you want him to
do. On command, he is to bend at the waist and here
you have a choice: his hands can remain clasped behind
his head, he can rest his hands on his knees elbows
out, or he can grasp his ankles. But in any case, he
is now exposed to your gaze and should be feeling the
heat of it. Running your nails over his balls and your
hand over a buttock cheek would be nice right now.
Take your time. When you are through, a stinging
little smack on the butt could signal that the
inspection is over and he has been accepted, or to
stand up straight. This is the humiliating variation
on Position Two.
Position Three is the "at-ease" position described in
earlier chapters. This is a waiting position, as in
waiting for your next command.
What you do: Call out "three" from whatever position
you are comfortable in. It is a waiting position for
him, not you!
What he does: He drops to his knees. (In my case, I
prefer him slightly to the left of my feet so he
doesn't get in my way or restrict my movement.) He
rests his buttocks on his heels; the tops of his feet
are flat to the floor, in other words, soles up. His
knees are always open as his genitals are always to be
available to you for your inspection and use; he rests
his hands palms down on his thighs. His shoulders are
relaxed, his head is down and his eyes are downcast.
He should wait quietly without fidgeting. If his knees
are not open wide enough for you to see his genitals
from where you are sitting, kick or push them apart
with your foot until you are satisfied with their
spread.
If Position Three is "at-ease" then Position Four
"attention". Position Four is a waiting/inspection
position. It has some aspects of Two, the standing
inspection position, and some aspects of Three,
"at-ease".
What you do: Call "four" from a seated or standing
position.
What he does: His butt snaps up off his heels and he
assumes an upright kneeling position. The upward
movement should be crisp and sharp, just like he was
snapping to "attention". His hands drop to his sides
and rest palms in towards his thighs. This should
happen naturally as he rises. His head is down and his
eyes are downcast as he awaits your pleasure.
Have a romantic, fun, and safe playtime!
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ETAOIN
